Turn, Turn, Turn, TURN!

It's been a really long time since I last heard something that hit so close to home. Tony's (my pastor) message today hit so many nerves in me, I lost count how many! Despite the fact that I mostly kept awake last night, I was surprised to find myself sitting upright the whole time listening to all he had to say.

Tony spoke about there being a time for all kinds of seasons- or was it a season for all kinds of time?!- and he quoted a verse in the bible relating to it, though I can't for the life of me remember what the verse (serves me right for not taking down notes, ey). Right then, I was reminded of that Beatles' song; you know, the one that goes "to everything turn, turn, turn, turn. There is a season turn, turn, turn, turn..." or something like that. Anyway, so then I thought about my previous post and why I felt that way.

I reckon it was God's way of making me take a step back and re-evaluate my feelings, the things I've done, my thoughts, etc. Like a time for this particular season in my life, if you will. Perhaps He felt this was the only way He could get me to get back to Him. Can He do that- allow doubt to come into the picture? Or is doubt the sole doing of one's own mind? I don't doubt Him, that's for sure. But what I DO doubt is myself and the choices I've made. Does that make sense?

While I haven't completely found all the answers to my questions, some light has been shed. I may not know what lies ahead, but I accept that God is in total control and He knows. He knows. He. Knows. As for now, that is good enough for me. My Creator knows me and what is best for me.

Whirlpool of Thoughts

I feel like running away. But oh, I have to stay. I've all these questions that need answering. I need to know why. Suddenly, I'm in doubt with the choices that I've made thus far. God, are these your plans for me? Have I made a mistake? You have to let me know because I can't see the path that lies ahead. Everything I see suddenly appears to be in multiple shades of grey. Where's the white? Where's the black? Suddenly, I don't know how to draw a straight line. I didn't forget- I just don't know.

Questions, questions; so many of them it's hard to know which one to ask first. I'm a little lost in my own thoughts, I need You to help me get back God. Father, I can't see beyond the grey yet, I need to know if I'm doing the right thing by you. It seems so easy to slip away in this place. Is this what you want me to be doing for a living? Life seems so much more complicated in this industry. Everything has two sides to it. And though I know which is the right side, I sometimes find it hard to be completely one sided.

Daddy God, I need your help. Please tell me what I should do. Send me someone to talk to. That's what I need-to talk. Talking always helps make sense of things. Please, send me someone to talk to.

*sorry about the ambiguity. I just needed some place to write down what I was thinking.

Happiness is...

...two things I thought I'd never pick up:

1. Drinking coffee just because and not because I need that cafeine injection to stay up late working on assignments or cramming so I don't stuff up my finals. Those Flat Whites are just so soothing
2. Reading for the pleasure of it, not because I have to but because it's one of the best 'alone' things to do.
   
3. Although, I have to confess that for me, those things have to be done hand in hand. One cannot come without the other. I never understood what some of my friends meant when they said "there's nothing like curling up to a good book with a cuppa next to you". But I think now I do. I spent most of my day doing just that yesterday at this amazing little cafe I discovered near my place. I think I've been watching too much TV, where the character would get all comfy on her regular spot at the cafe couch and read while sipping a hot cup of coffee. Nonetheless, it was fun 'reenact' that scene and bury myself in Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It didn't have to be a thick novel; all I needed was something to read and that was perfect, seeing as how I've always wanted to have a read of that book. Better now while I'm still single, I suppose...
   

But, I still maintain that I'm not a coffee addict. It's just one of those things you do once in a while when you need to get away but can't quite retreat to the nearest island/beach.

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Just this month alone I know FOUR people who've been diagnost with cancer. Suddenly, the phrase "spreading like cancer" has never been so real! Some detected it early and are undergoing chemo, others are at the later stages.

Dear God, why is this happening?! What're you trying to do?! Why do they all have to be family?! What's becoming of life?! They're all good people! They don't deserve this! You know they don't!

Why? Why? Why?!

Shopping for a House

It's a perfect Friday morning and for once in a long time I'm awake before 9a.m. A beatifully sun-drenched day, spring is in the air, the flowers have all come to full blossoms, and I'm in a swimming mood. Yep, it's a nice day and I'm going to town barefoot! No way I'd do that back home though.

It's Friday morning, which also means my morning paper today is The Eastern Property Press. Mom and Dad have been on a hunt for the perfect home for the past three months now and I thought I'd make it a little easier on them by naroowing down their search. What they fail to realize though, is that unless they build a house from scratch with raw materials, they are never going to find the perfect house- well, at least not according to their spesifications anyway. So, the only thing I can do is to single out possible options that have almost everything they're looking for, but Mom always manages to find something that's not up to her standard. Sigh. I hope reality dawns upon them soon; otherwise they might go crazy and I can't have them that way!

It never occured to me how much I dislike computer lingo until I read something my sister wrote recently. Now that I've mentioned it, I loathe (yeah, it's a strong word) computer lingo. I can understand why people use it in text messages. I mean, those telco people didn't coin the term Short Message Service (SMS) for no reason right? Of course not! Heck, I use- and make up my own- text message lingo in most, if not all, my test messages. But here's the thing. When I'm on the computer I write things the way they should be written- the kind of words and spelling we were taught tu use in school. Why? Because I find it to be much more appealing to read.

Like this blog for insttance. I may use standard abbreviations , but that's all they are- standard abbreviations. I just can't bring myself to write my posts like "dis" and I "dun" "noe" if this is me being anal or me being just like every other good user of the language. For one thing, I'm not that great a speller (I'm still working on that) so I try to look up words (what will I do without dictionary.com!) as I go along so not as to take the shortcut instead.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to be a smart ass or poke fun at those who're used to writing that way. I'm just wondering why those people write the way they do. Aren't they afraid that it may work its way into formal or academic writing, without them even realizing it! I hope they're mindful of that, for their own sakes. But I guess, at times it's fun to read something with computer lingo. Still, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to let computer lingo slide into my writing. Probably becasuse I'm a soon to be journalism student...

This doesn't categorize me someone who's not tech savvy. Or does it?

Nah, in my defence, I do know how to use a computer and most of its programs.

I Could Not Ask For More

Well, at this point in time anyway.

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

YOUR timing is impeccable- as always, contrary to what I often think.

This means I can finally get a job. I'm thinking Santa's elf since christmas is aound the corner. Hmmm...

This means I didn't entirely stuff up my interview at AUT last Tuesday. Woo-hoo!

Why is it that whenever I ask you out to a movie you never give me a straight answer? Actually, come to think of it, you never give me an answer at all! Is it the movie? Is it the company? Or both? Perhaps it's neither. If I ask you out for a drive or to just hang out though, I get an "ok, What time you want me to come pick you up?"

I worked up the nerve to ask you about it in person when we hung out but since I was having such a good time and you made me feel so comfortable in my own skin, I decided to let that slide. I'm giving you the benefit of doubt, my friend, simply because that crooked smile and half raised brow of yours get me everytime.

That was some good steak you made there, mate! Thanks, I had a great time. We should bum around together more often. Somehow, it's a lot more fun than bumming alone.

Heart to Heart

Walking along the park reserve, I tried to talk about anything and everything else, avoiding direct eye contact with Daddy so I didn't have to answer the one question I knew was the sole purpose of this walk in the first place. Finally, Daddy needled in the question I had anticipated all along yet wished was never brought up at all:

So, what are your plans?

My PLANS? Let's see, where do I start?

I knew where this was going. Just a couple of days ago I had thrown in the possibility of wanting to move out and move into the city once uni started- for several reasons that only seemed to make sense to no one else but me. Believe you me, I did get an earful and so I mentally reminded myself NEVER to bring it up again. But I got cornered today by Daddy and I couldn't see a way out.

So, what are your plans?

My p-p-plaaans? Well, I still wanna move out but that's something mom'll never understand so I'm coming to you first instead. I don't want to be resented for moving out. All I ask is that you realize I'm almost an adult and let me do things my way. I'd like to go with your blessing (and perhaps occasional ang pows). I don't intend to sever myself from you and be detatched all by my lonesome self- I'm much to indebted to your love to even think of ding such a thing to you.

All I ask is that you give me the independance I've always wanted to experience as a student while I can. I've always loved the city, I want to smell it; taste it; live it! I want to go out for long hours and not worry about coming home to an earful of where-have-you-been's and why-didn't-you-call's. I want to make my own mistakes. I've wanted to study overseas for the longest time partly because of the independance that comes along with it. The idea of having to fix you own botch-ups.

I know you're probably thinking how cliche this is. I realize how this may sound. I understand you think that by saying this, I'm just another rebelious teenager who's constant cry is to leave me alone because it's my life and to stop ruinning it for me! Truth is, I am just another teenager who wants to experience life to its fullest without having to be accountable to anyone else but myself and my God. Difference is, I realize it's not my life and you're not ruining my life.

I was glad to have had that talk with Daddy and finally get it out in the open. I felt so much better and the air seems a little clearer now. Thanks.

So don't get me wrong. I love ya'll with all my heart and I would never want to hurt you or make you question your parenting skills; When the time is right, please, let me go. Just let me go. In the words of Kahlil Gibran,

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I've loved this piece since the day I first heard it at my high school's Literarly Night. Nice work reading it, Michelle!

Made to Last...or Not

So, the Britster's finally decided to call it quits with K-Fed, ey? How many of you can honestly say you didn't see that coming? Raise your hands. And then there's the other big one before that- Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe. Well that one I didn't see coming. They're one of those couples I thought would sick it out and actually make it in Hollywood. But then again, I thought Nicole Kidman and Cruise would last and see how THAT turned out! In the words of someone on TV (irony!) the definition of the perfect couple is the plastic figures that stand at the top of a wedding cake. Oh, how true that is!

But I'm not here to gossip. I just needed illustrations and it just so happens they happen to be the newest ones in the limelight. I mean, who am I to judge? I don't know the reason behind these split ups- don't believe everything you read in the tabloids because in the end, only the people involved in the marriage know why it ended- and therefore I know I'm in no position to say who's right and who's not. My point is this: Sometimes I wonder if people go into relationships for the sole purpose of wanting to get something out of it. What's in it for me if I get into a relationship with him/her? What can I get out of it? How will he/she benefit me?

Don't these people think about the repercussions of those failed relationships? How the other person's gonna get burnt? How the other person might feel. It's never about the other person...is it? When I have a guy in my life, I swear I'm gonna enter into that relationship with his best interests at heart...or tey anyway. I'd hate to burn him and get something out of it for myself. In fact, I'd hate to burn anyone for that matter; it's just not the person that I am.

Just today I was watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S (season 1 I think) and it was the one where Chandler was seeing this woman who was already married and had two other boyfriends. Did you watch that one? While I love watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S and have nothing against that multi award- winning critically aclaimed series, I don't always agree with certain principals they adopt. Like in this episode, Chandler says how happy he is to have all the talk, all the sex and none of the responsibilities. Seriously, am I to believe that that is what replationships are all about in this century? Seriously?! What ever happened to "relationships require work"?

My question then is this: Are boy-girl relationships formed solely for the pleasure of wanting something back without thinking about the other person? Because if that's how it is, I'm actually a little frightened of being with someone I see myself falling in love with. Fear of being left just because he thinks he's taken everything that he needs out of the realtionship. C'mon, they're not all like that right? Right?!

Man, it's gonna be a long bumpy road. I guess that's why they say you can't go wrong if you love God, ey? HE'll never let you down. The real meaning of unfailing love. Never. Ever.

Two More Quickies

Can get married- lah!
...well at least that's what I can hear my aunts saying right about now. Why? Because as you know, all Indian women must know how to cook but more than that, all Indian women must know how to cook curry. Since I finally found it in me to ask mom to teach me how to make it, yours trully is now able to make a (reasonably) decent curry and what do you know, it's as easy as...well making curry is as easy as eating it- for lack of a better comparison! But I'm told every family has its secret curry recipe and my only regret is not learning what mine is from my patti (grandma). Mom doesn't know it either. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if we even had one! I should ask my aunts the next time I see them...


Haaaaave a good one!
Last weekend was Guy Fawks weekend and according to the New Zealand fire department, this has been the worst yet- bonfires gone wrong, local 'kampung' boys trying to play scientists, third degree burns, and half a dozen other fire related accidents. I didn't have to light crackers of my own- all I had to do was take a peek from my deck. I've still yet to ask anyone how Guy Fawks came about but I know for a fact that it's now a kiwi thing 'cause they have it in the U.K too and possibly other parts of the world. Just in case you're wondering though, it's the only day of the year where fireworks/crackers is legal.

The view from my deck

Quicky

It's almost half past midnight and I've just (finally!) finnished editing my C.V. Now all's I gotta do is ace my interview and the writing test on Tuesday. I'm scared as hell seeing as how I've not really sat through an actual formal interview with the board of directors of the School of Communications of Auckland University of Technology (I'm writing everything in full, just this once, so you'll understand better- no abreviations like AUT or BSC and such). Perhaps I should just look at them for who they really are- middle aged possibly balding kiwi men or silver-haired fussy women in suites who just might not be so terrorizing, if I played my cards right. You know what they say about them women- cranky and fussy. Somehow I reckon that if I had an all-male panel, it might not be half as bad. Perhaps they in turn might see me for who I really am- an inexperienced 19 year old trying student who's just determined enough to get in and just wants the opportunity to make something of herself.

I'm just gonna leave it in His hands.

You know how much I want this right?! Sure You do.

As long as I don't botch it up, I reckon I have a pretty good chance of getting in.

Whatever. I'm off to bed. I'll worry Monday night!