I don't know if I'm saying what I'm about to say because television drama has got the best out of me. Perhaps He intentionally authored this chapter of my life that I would be almost forced to go back to Him and have that long impending chat I promised Him a while back. But anyway, back to what I am about to say: If you are an avid follower of the recent Hollywood invention that took the TV world by storm with its intriguing plot and critical acclaim, not to mention certain characters who are, how shall I say, very easy on the eyes...I'm sure you know the now dead Isacc Mendez of 'Heroes' who had the ability to paint the future (forget the fact that he needed to get all high to do that).
Many times this past weeks, I have been made to question how sure am I of my direction in life and wish Mendez's fictional being extended to the reality of my world so he would paint me a picture of my future- let me know if I'm on the right path. And if I'm not then at the very least I would have had the chance to do it over and get it right the next time. I wish Mendez would paint me what it is that will happpen to me in the next 20 years (I'm not even asking for my whole lifetime). I'd even pay for the canvas, paints and brushes! I am aware that art supplies aren't exactly the cheapest things around. (this is where you're supposed to laugh in case you didn't get it) Just tell me what the future holds for me.
Will I become the television producer and director I've always wanted to become? Should I even be DOING television? Maybe I should be persuing my initial dream of wanting to become a journalist and write those "hit 'em where it hurts" kind of pieces about war, abject poverty, corruption, greed, so-called democracy, etc. I used to think that if I became a journalist, I could make a difference- make people see that some people's comfort and happiness doesn't have to cost someone else thiers. That no matter where on earth we are born, we are still equal and that the color of our skin or the clothes we wear or the place we come from don't dictate our place in society.
But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that dream. Somewhere along the way, people kept telling me that I could write about the things that matter all I wanted, till the cows came home, but the world will always be the same. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was going to kill that dream. But perhaps I could still revive that dream, still persuing a career in television. After all, it is still under the same umbrella of mass-media, no?
All these questions and not many (if any!) answers. From little things like, 'Should I study abroad for a semester next year' or 'is the weather gonna go all crazy again today' or 'what do I wear to uni' to bigger ones like, 'should I find a job right after graduation' or 'should I take a few years off to work for an NGO' or 'will my paper qualification be of any help to me if I want to work with kids in Rwanda or India' to life altering questions like, 'will I be 35 and still single and alone' or 'is there actually going to be a Mr. Man in the picture' and 'will I have this Mr. Man to go home to and rest my head on his lap and whine about the terrible day that I had but it's all much better now because he's here' or 'will there be little Mr. Mans and Naveenas around'. Ok, so maybe I should stop watching telly drama, but still...you get the picture?
The point is, I don't know if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to secure a happy future. I'm not sure. I have hope but I'm not sure. I know you could easily point out that none of us are ever sure about the future and that's what makes it the future. I know you would if you knew me well enough. You would slap me on the arm and tell me to just trust God and have faith. You would tell me to stop complaining and live in the 'now' rather than the 'future' because life is too short to worry about tomorrow. But truth is, I honestly think it's much easier said than done. It's actually quite a scary word, that one- FUTURE.
God, I want to trust You. I want to trust that everything will be okay because You say that plans You have for my future are plans to prosper and not harm me. I want to believe that you know where the end of the road is for me, because You have better foresight than I ever will. Lord, I want to have complete faith in You. I. want. to.
But I can't. I'm having trouble in that area because You're not giving me any sign of it all being okay. I'm have a problem with You making me wait because You're not doing anything to help with my certainty. Lord, I need you to show me something. Anything. Just show. me. something. I know You're working on me and that Your hand is always on my life, but right now, I need You to do something to show me it's going to be alright. You know my needs and wants and You've heard my questions (I KNOW YOU HAVE! Don't deny it). Now I need you to help me figure it out. I'm here at your feet asking You to help me figure this out. Do Something. It's all I ask. That You would please just do. something.
Many times this past weeks, I have been made to question how sure am I of my direction in life and wish Mendez's fictional being extended to the reality of my world so he would paint me a picture of my future- let me know if I'm on the right path. And if I'm not then at the very least I would have had the chance to do it over and get it right the next time. I wish Mendez would paint me what it is that will happpen to me in the next 20 years (I'm not even asking for my whole lifetime). I'd even pay for the canvas, paints and brushes! I am aware that art supplies aren't exactly the cheapest things around. (this is where you're supposed to laugh in case you didn't get it) Just tell me what the future holds for me.
Will I become the television producer and director I've always wanted to become? Should I even be DOING television? Maybe I should be persuing my initial dream of wanting to become a journalist and write those "hit 'em where it hurts" kind of pieces about war, abject poverty, corruption, greed, so-called democracy, etc. I used to think that if I became a journalist, I could make a difference- make people see that some people's comfort and happiness doesn't have to cost someone else thiers. That no matter where on earth we are born, we are still equal and that the color of our skin or the clothes we wear or the place we come from don't dictate our place in society.
But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that dream. Somewhere along the way, people kept telling me that I could write about the things that matter all I wanted, till the cows came home, but the world will always be the same. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was going to kill that dream. But perhaps I could still revive that dream, still persuing a career in television. After all, it is still under the same umbrella of mass-media, no?
All these questions and not many (if any!) answers. From little things like, 'Should I study abroad for a semester next year' or 'is the weather gonna go all crazy again today' or 'what do I wear to uni' to bigger ones like, 'should I find a job right after graduation' or 'should I take a few years off to work for an NGO' or 'will my paper qualification be of any help to me if I want to work with kids in Rwanda or India' to life altering questions like, 'will I be 35 and still single and alone' or 'is there actually going to be a Mr. Man in the picture' and 'will I have this Mr. Man to go home to and rest my head on his lap and whine about the terrible day that I had but it's all much better now because he's here' or 'will there be little Mr. Mans and Naveenas around'. Ok, so maybe I should stop watching telly drama, but still...you get the picture?
The point is, I don't know if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to secure a happy future. I'm not sure. I have hope but I'm not sure. I know you could easily point out that none of us are ever sure about the future and that's what makes it the future. I know you would if you knew me well enough. You would slap me on the arm and tell me to just trust God and have faith. You would tell me to stop complaining and live in the 'now' rather than the 'future' because life is too short to worry about tomorrow. But truth is, I honestly think it's much easier said than done. It's actually quite a scary word, that one- FUTURE.
God, I want to trust You. I want to trust that everything will be okay because You say that plans You have for my future are plans to prosper and not harm me. I want to believe that you know where the end of the road is for me, because You have better foresight than I ever will. Lord, I want to have complete faith in You. I. want. to.
But I can't. I'm having trouble in that area because You're not giving me any sign of it all being okay. I'm have a problem with You making me wait because You're not doing anything to help with my certainty. Lord, I need you to show me something. Anything. Just show. me. something. I know You're working on me and that Your hand is always on my life, but right now, I need You to do something to show me it's going to be alright. You know my needs and wants and You've heard my questions (I KNOW YOU HAVE! Don't deny it). Now I need you to help me figure it out. I'm here at your feet asking You to help me figure this out. Do Something. It's all I ask. That You would please just do. something.
1 comment:
navee!!!
gracie here!!! thought id pop by to say hi to u. how much ive missed u. and still do. i love u and love u the same. keep those post coming. take care frend!
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