Anger Management

If you've been a university or college student long enough, you would have, at one point or another, come to realize that the social circles run very differently as compared to high school. In high school, it's fairly simple to put almost every individual into various categories and box them up into streotypical social groups. Such groups include the athletes, beauty queens, cheerleaders, bitches, geeks, football/basketball teams, the 'emo' people, the ones who need a boost in their self-esteem and a whole lot of other sub categories that I can't seem to think of at the moment but am sure exist. Then there certain elite individuals that eventually become a brand of their own like the leading man of the soccer/rugby/basketball team and the captain of the cheerleading squad or the high school slut. You should know that I'm just expressing an opinion with no prior research on this matter as I came from a high school in the East. The above statements are made solely from the knowlege of what the media has fed me over the years.

Anyway, back to where I was. Things change when you move on to university. All those little circles link hands and become three big circles: the really academically brilliant ones, the slightly above average ones (I like to think I fall in this category) and my personal dislike, the ones who just couldn't give a rat's ass about what happens. The last kind is the worst because in matters pertaining to group work, they're the ones who, *insert suitable adjective here* the crap out of you? (I don't know how to say it politely!)

Unfortunately, I've had the "pleasure" of working with some of these fellas and let me tell you, patience? Not an easy Feat! The idea that they can be so irresponsible and not turn up for appointments and (what I hate the most) not answer messages/calls is beyond my comprehension! Honestly, I'm so over wroking in groups! Over it! I'm silently praying that karma will bite them back in the ass real hard. I know it's mean of me to do that but seriously, I wish they'd just establish thier lack of propriety early on in the assignment so I know they're not dependable and do something about it sooner.

I was so amazed at how angry I was with a certain partner of mine. I remember how my girlfriends in high school use to joke that I walked aound as if there was a little thunder cloud with a lightning bolt above my head. It's been almost 6 years since I felt like that....till yesterday. I swear, I would not have hesitated to shoot this person had I a gun and that's when I realized the enormity of my anger. Right then, I realized if it happened again, I just may have to go for anger management sessions. Yeah, it was THAT bad and I'm in no way trying to blow it out of proportion. The only saving grace this person had was his really gorgeous eyes- the kind that just might make you go weak in the knees if you stare into it long enough...which is why I almost never look him in the when we're talking.

God, please grant me the patience to deal with these people, the will to control my anger that I will not say something I will later regret, the courage to tell them how I feel and the strength to sustain me through the week.

Do. Something.

I don't know if I'm saying what I'm about to say because television drama has got the best out of me. Perhaps He intentionally authored this chapter of my life that I would be almost forced to go back to Him and have that long impending chat I promised Him a while back. But anyway, back to what I am about to say: If you are an avid follower of the recent Hollywood invention that took the TV world by storm with its intriguing plot and critical acclaim, not to mention certain characters who are, how shall I say, very easy on the eyes...I'm sure you know the now dead Isacc Mendez of 'Heroes' who had the ability to paint the future (forget the fact that he needed to get all high to do that).

Many times this past weeks, I have been made to question how sure am I of my direction in life and wish Mendez's fictional being extended to the reality of my world so he would paint me a picture of my future- let me know if I'm on the right path. And if I'm not then at the very least I would have had the chance to do it over and get it right the next time. I wish Mendez would paint me what it is that will happpen to me in the next 20 years (I'm not even asking for my whole lifetime). I'd even pay for the canvas, paints and brushes! I am aware that art supplies aren't exactly the cheapest things around. (this is where you're supposed to laugh in case you didn't get it) Just tell me what the future holds for me.

Will I become the television producer and director I've always wanted to become? Should I even be DOING television? Maybe I should be persuing my initial dream of wanting to become a journalist and write those "hit 'em where it hurts" kind of pieces about war, abject poverty, corruption, greed, so-called democracy, etc. I used to think that if I became a journalist, I could make a difference- make people see that some people's comfort and happiness doesn't have to cost someone else thiers. That no matter where on earth we are born, we are still equal and that the color of our skin or the clothes we wear or the place we come from don't dictate our place in society.

But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that dream. Somewhere along the way, people kept telling me that I could write about the things that matter all I wanted, till the cows came home, but the world will always be the same. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was going to kill that dream. But perhaps I could still revive that dream, still persuing a career in television. After all, it is still under the same umbrella of mass-media, no?

All these questions and not many (if any!) answers. From little things like, 'Should I study abroad for a semester next year' or 'is the weather gonna go all crazy again today' or 'what do I wear to uni' to bigger ones like, 'should I find a job right after graduation' or 'should I take a few years off to work for an NGO' or 'will my paper qualification be of any help to me if I want to work with kids in Rwanda or India' to life altering questions like, 'will I be 35 and still single and alone' or 'is there actually going to be a Mr. Man in the picture' and 'will I have this Mr. Man to go home to and rest my head on his lap and whine about the terrible day that I had but it's all much better now because he's here' or 'will there be little Mr. Mans and Naveenas around'. Ok, so maybe I should stop watching telly drama, but still...you get the picture?

The point is, I don't know if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to secure a happy future. I'm not sure. I have hope but I'm not sure. I know you could easily point out that none of us are ever sure about the future and that's what makes it the future. I know you would if you knew me well enough. You would slap me on the arm and tell me to just trust God and have faith. You would tell me to stop complaining and live in the 'now' rather than the 'future' because life is too short to worry about tomorrow. But truth is, I honestly think it's much easier said than done. It's actually quite a scary word, that one- FUTURE.

God, I want to trust You. I want to trust that everything will be okay because You say that plans You have for my future are plans to prosper and not harm me. I want to believe that you know where the end of the road is for me, because You have better foresight than I ever will. Lord, I want to have complete faith in You. I. want. to.

But I can't. I'm having trouble in that area because You're not giving me any sign of it all being okay. I'm have a problem with You making me wait because You're not doing anything to help with my certainty. Lord, I need you to show me something. Anything. Just show. me. something. I know You're working on me and that Your hand is always on my life, but right now, I need You to do something to show me it's going to be alright. You know my needs and wants and You've heard my questions (I KNOW YOU HAVE! Don't deny it). Now I need you to help me figure it out. I'm here at your feet asking You to help me figure this out. Do Something. It's all I ask. That You would please just do. something.

I am Waiting

I am a strong independant woman (who's still just a girl at times) who will wait upon God to bring me the man He has chosen for me. I will be patient and wait for Him to bring him to me and I will (try to) accept the fact that perhaps either him or me aren't ready for each other and I so I will wait...so help me God.

Now, all I have to do is keep reciting this and I'll be fine.

Or so I hope.